The Paradoxy of Orthodoxy

I have wrestled with the dilemma of being a dreamer, a visionary, a goal oriented purpose driven individual.

The dilemma exists in understanding my life in Christ in terms of my goals and purpose, perhaps even “my calling”, which OF COURSE (said with a tinge of sarcasm) are for Christ’s Sake……right?

This is sticky….I get it….I wrestle with this….but, I believe there lies something deeper that penetrates beyond the seemingly good intention, to the very core of our soul.

We long to fill what has often been called a “hole in our heart” with something. 

For those of us dreamers, I have become convinced that we seek to fill that “hole in our heart” not WITH Christ….(dramatic pause)….. but with Our Goals, Our Dreams, Our Purpose, Our Calling which we truly and sincerely believe we are doing FOR Christ.

If I have lost you….perhaps you don’t have this sickness, and thank God….if you are hanging with my struggle, than tarry a bit.

There is a message that has been acquired and thoroughly “Christianized” in our American Culture.  

Perhaps the following slogans summarize  it:

1    1. Be all that you can be

      2. Follow your Dreams

      3. Live a Purpose Driven Life

      4. Believe in Yourself 

      5. Make the World a Better Place

Please let me interject that the work ethic and discipline of those who strive towards such mantras is honorable and necessary….

But many of us dreamers have become strugglers.

We have begun to realize that the aspiration to “follow our dreams” is an insatiable appetite,  The need to pursue “my calling” an avaricious desire, and the need to “accomplish our goals” a 2 mile train that rolls over anything and anyone in its path.

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” 

- Dostoevsky

And to those of us who struggle, we struggle because we long to be satisfied, and we can’t rest till we find satisfaction.  Something innately in us needs to keep searching and fighting because we know that there is more and something within us cannot rest.

So “like a dog to his vomit” we return again and again to our dreams, our goals, our vision, our calling,  to warm our “chilled blood” and find satisfaction……..and we exhaust ourselves only to find we’ve been deceived again.

“There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”

-          Proverbs 14:12 

The difficulty of the deception is equaled only by the paradoxy of the solution for we cannot simply wrap our minds around the solution.  

For the struggler, we need to “Know”, not just “Know About”, and therefore we must try again and again……..but there is a path that we don’t want to believe is true, because frankly, it means to give up control.

"The goal of human freedom is not in freedom itself, nor it is in man, but in God. By giving man freedom, God has yielded to man a piece of His Divine authority, but with the intention that man himself would voluntarily bring it as a sacrifice to God, a most perfect offering."

- St. Theophan the Recluse

We wander about lost and searching when all the time Life is offered to us…right here, right now, in the midst of this very moment.  In fact the only place we will ever find life and Life to the Full, is in this moment.

If St. Theophan is right, and I would say that he is right, then the path to life may just lead us to offer Our Dreams, Our Goals, Our Vision, Our Perceived Calling, Our Plans to God as…. “ a most perfect offering”. 

 

It goes against everything we have thought to be true, and yet if we can muster the courage to attempt this path we begin to develop a taste…. as taste developed by experience and patience, through hardship and rocky paths.  A taste hard to describe in words, and yet very real, and for the first time we are satisfied.

One of my favorite quotes from Fr. Thomas Hopko, was given at the commencement address he gave at St. Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary in May of 2007.  Speaking to the graduating seminary class he says;

in language befitting a commencement ceremony at an Orthodox graduate school of theology -- we come to see that true theologia is always stavrologia. And real orthodoxia is always paradoxia. And that there is no theosis without kenosis.

Theology is stavrology and Orthodoxy is paradoxy: the almighty God reveals Himself as an infinitely humble, totally self-emptying and absolutely ruthless and relentless lover of sinners. And men and women made in His image and likeness must be the same. Thus we come to see that as there is no resurrection without crucifixion, there is also no sanctification without suffering, no glorification without humiliation; no deification without degradation; and no life without death. We learn, in a word, the truth of the early Christian hymn recorded in Holy Scripture:

If we have died with him, we shall also live with him;
if we endure with him, we shall also reign with him;
if we deny him, he will also deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful -
for he cannot deny himself (2 Tim 2.11-13).

According to the Gospel, therefore, those who wish to be wise are constrained to be fools. Those who would be great become small. Those who would be first put themselves last. Those who rule, serve as slaves. Those who would be rich make themselves poor. Those who want to be strong become weak. And those who desire to find and fulfill themselves as persons deny and empty themselves for the sake of the Gospel. And, finally, and most important of all, those who want really to live have really to die.

Theologia (knowledge of God) is always Stavrologia (Knowledge of the Cross).  If we want to truly live….we must truly die….

And it is in this dying, that we strugglers become believers, because finally we “KNOW”

“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

                                                Matthew 16:24

Memory Eternal - Archbishop Job

I feel as if I just lost a dear friend….perhaps a dear grandfather. Archbishop Job of Chicago, fell asleep in the Lord this morning.

I didn’t realize how dear this man was to me, but I feel as if a part of me has died with him. What a deep loss. He visited our parish just 10 months ago with all the Bishops of the OCA. Wyatt was able to serve with the Bishops, and I remember my heart just filled with joy upon seeing him here in Colorado at our parish. It was so good to visit with him afterward, and I felt as if it brought him joy to see us as well. I believe he made some kind comment about being glad we were happy in Colorado, but that it was a “loss to the Midwest”. I remember asking him to remember me and our family in his prayers, and he asked for us also to remember him in our prayers. What a joy and gift that day was to our family.

Archbishop Job was the first Orthodox clergy member I ever met, as he was teaching the catechism class at Holy Trinity Evangelical Orthodox Church in Indianapolis, Indiana. The parish in Indianapolis was moving as a church into the Canonical church and Bishop Job at the time was doing a mass catechism for the entire parish. I was in the midst of my own conversion as well, and remember sitting in the back on the side room off the sanctuary listening intently to this white haired man in a black robe. I don’t remember much about what he taught at that time, but I do remember thinking that this man, truly, was a Man of God.

Upon moving to Greenville and beginning our long journey into the Orthodox Church, Archbishop Job helped us even while in Greenville. I was able to connect an old professor at Greenville College with Bishop Job, and the future Greenville College Bible and Culture Trips started visiting the Orthodox Cathedral and Bishop Job on their trip to Chicago. Following one of these trips, Bishop Job came down to Greenville, and taught one of Prof. Rick McPeak’s Religion Classes one night, and discussed iconography. I remember it was right after the return of the Tikhvin Icon of the Mother of God to Russia, because Sdn. Joel Wilson was traveling with him at the time and brought the video to play for the class. Four students from that class as a result of their visit with Archbishop Job and his visit to the college, started attending the Readers services we held in our house during that time.

Over the course of the 7-8 years of knowing him, our face to face encounters were limited, but I had a deep connection with him…..and perhaps it wasn’t till today and hearing of his loss, that I realized how deep that connection really was. Sdn. Luke Beecham, whom spoke often with the Archbishop, would relay how the Archbishop would ask about our family, how we were doing, and assure us of his prayers. How the Archbishop remembered us, or even had the time to pray for us, I cannot fathom, but I am assured that it was through his prayers we were guided safely home.

What a great loss to our church. Selfishly…what a great loss to our family.

My busy and distracted life came to a screeching halt today. May we all be found sober and vigilant, ever expecting the coming of our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ! May the Lord God strengthen our church, our clergy, and every one of us to pick up this great work of the Kingdom, for which the Archbishop so diligently gave his life.

Memory Eternal Archbishop Job!

Step 10 - On Slander

8. Fire and Water are incompatible; and so is judging others in one who wants to repent. If you see someone falling into sin at the very moment of his death, even then do not judge him, because the Divine judgement is hidden from men. Some have fallen openly into great sins, but they have done greater good deeds in secret; so their critics were tricked, getting smoke instead of the sun.

10. Hasty and severe judges of the sins of their neighbor fall into this passion because they have not yet attained to a thorough and constant remembrance and concern for their own sins. For if anyone could see his own vices accurately without the veil of self love, he would worry about no one else in this life, considering that he would not have time enough for mourning for himself, even though he were to see a whole River Jordan of tears streaming from his eyes. I have observed such mourning, and I did not find in it even a trace of calumny or criticism.

17. Do not Condemn, even if you see with your eyes, for they are often deceived.

The Kingdom of Heaven Suffers Violence....

"I have seen men poor and needy in virtue, with words not clever but rather humble, vague and stumbling, call shamelessly and persistently from the depths of a desperate heart upon the Heavenly King, and by their violence force His inviolable nature and compassion."

St. John Climacus - The Ladder of Divine Ascent

The door of the Kingdom is already open

We are in the first week of Lent and these words from the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete that we celebrated last night are necessary for me. May we remain sober and vigilant....ever expecting! Enlighten my eyes oh Lord that I sleep not in death, lest mine enemies say, I have prevailed against him!

My soul, my soul, arise! Why are you sleeping? The end is drawing near, and you will be confounded. Awake, then, and be watchful, that Christ our God may spare you, Who is everywhere present and fills all things.

Seeing Christ's healing temple opened, and how health Streams from Him to Adam, the devil suffered and was stricken. Then he wailed as if in mortal danger and to his friends raised a bitter howl: what shall I do to the Son of Mary? The Bethlehemite is killing me, Who is everywhere present and fills all things.

Like coals of immaterial fire, burn my material passions, and kindle in me now, O Apostles, a longing for divine love.

Smash the passionate idols of my soul, as you smashed the temples and pillars of the enemy, O Apostles of the Lord, consecrated temples.

Christ became man and called to repentance robbers and harlots. Repent, my soul! The door of the Kingdom is already open, and the transformed pharisees, publicans and adulterers are seizing it ahead of you.

Beneficial to me?

"These tortures are very beneficial to me.  Just as wheat cannot arrive at the granary before it is cleansed from the chaff, so my soul cannot enter into paradise if my body is not humbled by tortures beforehand."

- The Holy Martyr Agatha (251)

   Commemorated February 5th

The path of descent is essential to the path of ascent.  One must go down in order to be raised up.  One must die in order that one might truly live.  One must embrace suffering as a fountain of life.  For it is Christ who revealed this path to us, and in so doing reveals the path of salvation to us if we have eyes to see.  When the urge to avoid pain arises we must walk into the fire, for it is in the fire that we are purified of our passions, and the scales slowly peel back from our blinded eyes and we are illumined to reality....the reality that Christ is in our Midst......He is and ever shall be!

The Best Roads of All....

This song was the first song Friday played on my radio once we got the Ipod working in the Truck. It is mystically sweet how God orchestrates divine encounters . Given this day was the day of our departure down roads of the earth and roads of the spirit.....I thought this song says it best....Enjoy!

Child Of The Wind

I love the pounding of hooves
I love engines that roar
I love the wild music of waves on the shore
And the spiral perfection of a hawk when it soars
Love my sweet woman down to the core

There's roads and there's roads
And they call, can't you hear it?
Roads of the earth
And roads of the spirit
The best roads of all
Are the ones that aren't certain
One of those is where you'll find me
Till they drop the big curtain

(CHORUS:)
Hear the wind moan
In the bright diamond sky
These mountains are waiting
Brown-green and dry
I'm too old for the term
But I'll use it anyway
I'll be a child of the wind
Till the end of my days

Little round planet
In a big universe
Sometimes it looks blessed
Sometimes it looks cursed
Depends on what you look at obviously
But even more it depends on the way that you see

(Chorus)

Bruce Cockburn - (Tucson, December 24, 1989)

Goodbye Indy!

I think the reality of leaving is setting in a little bit. I have been angry lately, and I think one contributing factor is that life is moving towards this moment so fast, and the reality of perfect goodbyes with everyone is impossible. This is the end of a chapter of our lives....perhaps a volume....and we are beginning to write the next.

This past weekend in Indianapolis was our last, and no longer will be 3 hours away capable of the 1/2 dozen our so annual visits that took place over the last 6 years since we moved away. Indy will always hold a place of significance in our journey and we leave behind lots of memories and friends.

Obviously our friendships do not end....but the distance makes the frequency of visits much more difficult, and we realize things will change. I don't even like to write that down. A part of me wants to hold on to this chapter a little bit longer as if more time would allow for a "better ending".

That of course if an emotional response, but it has been interesting to encounter all of the emotion that is surrounding this next step.

I am encountering much that has not been anticipated within myself as we take this journey.....some thoughts......

I am realizing that with great risk comes great sacrifice! If you want to move forward you have to let go and risk boldly!

I have realized that any grandiose or sentimental vision of the future must be crucified for obedience in the moment we now hold.

I am beginning to realize the necessity of suffering to truly understand joy. I am realizing that fear of failure is a great reason to keep trying.

I am realizing that a Great Idea with no action will always be a GREAT IDEA! I have realized that a great idea with action often results in a better idea that requires action.

I am realizing that I don't nearly appreciate the gift of my family enough, and how essential they are to my Salvation. I am not worthy of them.

I am realizing that the many friends and family we are leaving are a gift and that we are very rich people for being blessed with so many people that Love, Pray, and Care for us immensely.

...And now for the first of many goodbyes we don't really now how to do perfectly....Goodbye Indianapolis.....We Love You!

Oasis

I don’t have a large collection of CDs or for that matter a vast array or artists I like…just a few. And for some reason Bill Mallonee keeps finding his way to the top of my list. Honestly, some of his music I just don’t get, but then there are songs that just nail it for me…..Kind of the same with Bruce Cockburn.

I seem to relate to these guys particularly on the pain side of things. I guess they put into words what I can’t and whether or not it makes sense to anyone else….I can relate.

My recent life is fairly calculated with the move to Colorado and all the planning, preparing and work that goes into making this transition. These last 6 months have felt like a Perpetual “To Do List”, and I find myself 6 weeks from moving with the same damn “To Do List”.

So, when I got an email from “Bill Mallonee News” stating he was in town Monday night for the last show of this tour in St. Louis at my favorite club, “Off Broadway”……my heart jumped…only to be laughed at by my “To Do List”.

…But as fate….The Lord’s Mercy….would have it, a recent dinner date with our friends, Eric and Liz Hehman, was canceled a week ago, only to be rescheduled for Monday night….on the Hill in St. Louis….mere miles away from Off Broadway. To sweeten the pot, Eric Hehman was a V.O.L. fan from the early 90’s. Eight Dollar tickets were too hard to pass up, so we abandoned our pregnant wives later in the evening for some bonding with Bill……yeah, it is wrong on many levels……welcome to Struggleville!

I linked to Bill’s MySpace page only to come across these lyrics that my “bloodied lil’ heart” could relate with. It has been a desert of sorts lately….

“flowers growing out of the desert
flowers out of parched ground
flowers coming right up through the cracks
of the pavement in this old town

flowering’s not a science,
no, it’s more like a fine art
flowers coming right up through cracks
of our beat up, broken-down, bloodied lil’ hearts”

- Bill Mallonee ~Album: PermaFrost

Colorado Bound!

We are Moving!

While this is maybe a surprise to many, this decision has been in the making for the past year and a half. Given that Carrie and I have been in the midst of this decision for so long now, it is somewhat surreal to be talking about this publicly. It is also notable that since we have in essence made the decision to move a long time ago, the reality that we are moving in 3 months is just beginning to sink in…

We have begun to recognize things as the “the last time we will….”, and that has a sobering affect. We are completing a chapter in our lives, and the next is yet to be written…but as Father Andrew reminded us as we entered the Lenten Season this year, “You are not leaving yet and there is Great Spiritual Work to be done before that time.” There is so much truth in that reality of living in this moment…Today is the day of Salvation!

So for the few who may wander upon this blog whom we have shared our lives with and may appreciate this journey, I offer this as a reflection of the journey to this decision.

(A picture of Carrie and I at Sr. Teen Camp my freshmen and Carrie's Sophmore year of High School. Little did we know 7 years later we would be considering marriage!!)

In 1999 Carrie and I answered a call of ministry. Throughout 1998 I felt the Lord very directly placing a burden on my life to pursue him, and honestly, Like Jonah I was running away. But, the Lord got a hold of me through the writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and I had to face God’s calling with “Simple Obedience”, as Bonhoeffer put it. So I/We said, Yes! Not anticipating anything tangible, but 6 months later in May of 1999 we were moving across country with a Uhaul Trailer to Washington State, and Warm Beach Camp and Conference Center. Christian Camping had an impact on Carrie and my life in a very positive way, and something “Big” surrounded this desire to serve God in the capacity of Christian Camping….but this idea was being shaped by our attempt at obedience and we soon realized that our hearts were more geared towards something “longer” than a week at camp.

(Minutes before leaving for Washington....without Sami...that was hard!)

(Weekly Bible Study with the Warm Beach Camp Staff.....we miss you guys!)

We realized that the environment of camp had an impact on the lives of many youth, but the transformation of lives, habits, disciplines, and hardeness of heart takes time! Our hearts began to lean towards the possibility of a Long Term Camp focused on discipleship and focused on the most critical stage of our young adult lives…Post High School to Post College (18 – 30 years old). So many things are decided during this time period, for good or bad, which affect the rest of our lives so the idea of having a program that might last from 3 months to 1 year to hopefully ground young adults in the faith, learn discipline, begin to crack the hardness of heart, and begin a life of earnest repentance and pursuit of God….well, we desired it for ourselves.

This idea began to take shape and was continually molded through our years in Indianapolis, IN, where I served as Youth Pastor at West Morris Street Free Methodist Church. It was here in Indianapolis, that I met people from a church community called the Evangelical Orthodox Church (EOC), who became my dear friends and the collision of our lives paths has proven to be a divine encounter. To the many in this community, we will forever be indebted.

(WEMO Youth Group in Seattle, WA.....can you guess the location?)

(Cory Gliege (EOC Youth Pastor in 2001), "Weasel", and myself following joint youth group with EOC and the West Morris Youth Group (WEMO). Cory and I often had breakfast together to discuss God, Guns, and Rock-n-Roll....hey, I should write a book about that...wait Ted Nugent already did? Darn!)

As I was in pursuit of becoming a good “Wesleyan” and seeking to understand the historical significance of John Wesley and the faith of which I was born and raised, I desired to understand what was known as the “Cornerstone Doctrine” of Wesleyanism….Entire Sanctification. Although the Wesleyan Theology Syllabus suggested this as being uniquely Wesleyan, I knew that if this belief of Salvation was True it had to be True at all Times, and must have had it’s roots in the early church. It was through my research of Wesleyan Scholars that I discovered this link with Wesley and the Early Church, through St. Macarius of Egypt.

At the same time I was in the midst of my journey, the Evangelical Orthodox Church of West Indianapolis was in the midst of coming home to the historic “Early Church”, which is today known as the Eastern Orthodox, or Holy Orthodox Church.

There is enough details for a book at this stage, but nevertheless, the Holy Orthodox Faith began to further transform our vision of this ministry that we felt called to pursue, and the next 6 years in Greenville, IL would be the most significant formational years of our spiritual lives and vision of the ministry that we were being called to as we are ourselves journeyed back to the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.

In 2003 and 2004 we held what became known as "The Ranch Council". In 2003 we met in Seattle, WA, and 2004 in Greenville, IL. The purpose of doing this was to soldify if this "vision" of a discipleship ministry was of God....or of ourselves. We felt led to press on after 2003 and had a great meeting in 2004 as well, however our "becoming Orthodox" was having a bigger affect on the vision of this "Ranch" than we ever realized. As Orthodoxy was shaping Carrie and I, it was subsequently shaping our vision of the Ranch, and we soon decide to forgo future "Ranch Councils". There was a sense that we (Carrie and I) were forcing something that was not ready, and we realized that we had more immediate work to do before we could begin thinking about the "Ranch" again.

We informally became catechumen's over the next year and a half. Our good friends the Beechams moved in with us, and we began doing Reader's services in our house. We began alternating months between us going to Indianapolis for services and catechism, and members of St. John's Orthodox Church coming to Greenville for the same reason. St. Paul's Free Methodist Church even allowed us space to perform services and on 2 occasions we held Vesper's services followed by Question and Answer Time. One of these services was featured in an Orthodox Publication in Indiana.

(Fr. Joseph censing those in attendance during one of our "Living Room Services". This was followed by a Catechism Lesson.)

A group of college student's became regular attenders that year and even attended the Forgiveness Vesper's service at the beginning of Lent in Indianapolis. In 2005 we attended Pascha(Orthodox Easter) for the first time. In hindsight I am glad that we did not attend Pascha back in 2000 or 2001 when we first started journeying in this direction, because we may have just quit and become Orthodox on the spot..jk! However, any excuses we still held onto we let go of, and on Bright Monday we spoke with Fr. Joseph Gibson about being received as catechumens....officially. Pentecost of 2005 we became catechumens, and a little over a year later on September 17th, 2006 (The Feast Day of St. Sophia), we were received into the Holy Orthodox Church.

(Wyatt being Chrismated....picture says the rest...wow)

In October of 2006, while journaling from my Tree Stand during bow season in Illinois, I felt the Lord opening a window of time to be open to this calling we first began pursuing back in 1998. I journaled, “….These years in Greenville have taught me “presence” as well and I am learning to be present and tuned into what he is doing in our midst…at this moment…….These past two years I have been given a short period to consider the Ranch (discipleship ministry) and whether or not it was time…….the answer was clearly, NO……….this year’s answer maybe the same, but for a short time I will re-visit this in prayer and pay attention.”

The result of that prayer was a trip to Colorado Springs in February of 2007 in which a good friend, Luke Beecham and I went to speak with a Fr. Anthony Karbo, of Holy Theophany Orthodox Church in Colorado Springs. I wanted Luke, a dear friend and Christian Brother of mine, to come and help discern this time together.

(Luke, Shelby and I on February 2007 Trip...prior to meeting with Fr. Anthony)

This trip opened a door to a trip to California in May, which also was life changing trip for me. During this trip I was part of the early development of a similar ministry to the one we had begun pursuing many years ago.

Fr. Damian Kuolt invited me out, and I had the gift of being able to visit the tomb of St. John Maximovitch, St Herman of Alaska Monastery, and St. John Maximovitch Monastery….all in California. So much happened on this trip and I am forever grateful for Fr. Damian arranging this trip to include me.

(picture with Bishop Benjamin of the Western Diocese OCA, following meeting together)

(picture with Fr. Damian and his wife following meeting about ministry with Bishop Benjamin. In front of Raphael House)

(Fr. Damian, Abbot Jonah, and Abbot Gerasim surveying land for possible ministry location)

(meeting with Fr. Damian, Steve Robinson, and myself about ministry)

The significance of this trip ultimately resulted in the affirmation of us to continue moving ahead with the leading we had felt in February of 2007, to move to Colorado Springs the Summer of 2008.

Our family visited the church community in September of 2007 and the doors continued to open. It was also becoming clear at this point that my current job may continue as the growth in our family business was allowing the possibility to continue my labors for the company and make this step as well…..we were quickly running out of excuses to pursue with faith and obedience.

(Sophia and I on our trip to Colorado in September of 2007. Carrie, Wyatt, and Emmy flew out and met us in Denver.)

In January of 2008, we sealed our decision as we purchased a lot and moved ahead with the construction of a new home…..yes, in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

(Lot where are new home in Colorado Springs is being built)

Our anticipated move date depends on the completion of the home, but somewhere between July 1st and August 18th, 2008.

This is another small step of faith in the direction of the Lord's leading. There is nothing tangible in terms of a camp or ministry yet, but this is the step we are being called to take right now. Our first steps will be getting established in the church community of Holy Theophany Orthodox Church, learning my job from a remote location, and beginning home schooling with Wyatt in the fall.

I am certain if we could see further down the road we might not be able to handle it! Lord Have Mercy!

More could be told, but I think this serves the purpose of a reflection.

Please pray for us as we try to be obedient to the step we believe the Lord is asking us to take!

Also, please write or call us if you want to know more.....thanks for reading!

God's Blessings!

Wilderness Pilgrimage

These pictures are a month overdue, but before any more time slips away I want to post these pictures. Also, these will hopefully be shortly followed by pictures from Italy. My wife and I just returned from our 10th Anniversary trip, and have many pictures to share!

These pictures are from the Muzzleloader Season in Colorado, where my good friend Shelby Wadsworth and I spent 10 days in the West Elk Wilderness at 10,000 feet, hunting the elusive Wapiti!



These 2 pictures are an overview of the meadow and our camp at 10,000 feet. The meadow still had very good grass for the horses to graze and we were at the source of a spring which provide very cold and good water. These pics are of our horses nicely grazing once we figured out the best system for keeping them "hobbled".

This land was incredibly rugged...the most rugged I have hunted. Lack of oxygen, plus steep and rocky, made for exhausting days! This is a picture of Shelby leading the team of horses with our gear on the way in to camp the first night. This rock slide is typical of the West Elk Wilderness terrain, flowing down from the mountain like a river. Rumored to have been caused by an ancient Volcanic eruption....or God just created it that way to keep us guessing. I was just in awe!



We erected a small chapel behind our tent complete with icons and aspen hewn cross. The first day we appropriately prayed the Akathist of Thanksgiving, before beginning the assembly of our camp or preparing to hunt. Shelby and his family recently became catechumens in Delta, Colorado, and it was a special time to be able to share this new "bond" with and old friend!




The views speak for themselves...sorry I got in the way of this second view!!

Podvig

After some troubling news it tends to make me contemplate my own journey of salvation. Too often it is once I have removed myself from the self-righteous attitude of "what were they thinking" or "I can't believe they would do such things", to get down to the reality of...."I have had those thoughts" and "I have contemplated such things".

I have been bombarded recently with troubling news of "falls" and my soul is very heavy.

Today is the feast of St. Irenaeus Bishop of Lyons who was a disciple of St Polycarp of Smyrna who was an disciple of Apostle John the Theologian.

The first quote I heard of St. Irenaeus, I must admit was not from Orthodox sources but from John Eldredge's book, "Wild at Heart". The quote, "The Glory of God is man fully alive", has stuck with me just like Elrond's words to Aragorn, "Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be!". (Any "Orthodorks" out there who know the source of the Irenaeus quote please let me know")

This "putting off" of the "Old Man" or the "false self", and living out of that deep calling of who God called us to be is a great mystery, but even a greater reality.

Fr. Hopko quoted a church father(I will try to find out who), who said, "He who see's himself as he truly is has seen a miracle greater than raising the dead. In fact he who see's himself as he truly is has in fact been raised from the dead".

This is the great struggle to which we have all been called, and to which we will all give account. Some much of the journey is in accepting the struggle as the path of salvation.

So badly the world wants Christianity to be a message of health, wealth, and happiness detached from struggle, perserverance, suffering, and even martyrdom.

What do we do with these following quotes if not to accept that the true path of salvation is in fact guaranteed to be filled with pain, suffering, and difficulty.....for our salvation.

27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Corinthians 9:27 (New International Version)


" The endurance required from one who climbs a mountain physically is required likewise from those who would ascend the mountain of God."

- Bishop Kallistos Ware


" God demands everything from a man--his mind, his reason, all his actions...Do you wish to be saved when you die? Go and exhaust yourself; go and labour; go, seek and you shall find; watch and knock, and it shall be opened to you."

- The Sayings of the Desert Fathers



Abba Anthony said to Abba Poemen, 'this is the great work of a man: always to take the blame for his own sins before God and to expect temptation to his last breath.'



-4th saying of St. Anthony of Egypt



He also said, 'Whoever has not experienced temptation cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. 'He even added, 'Without temptations no-one can be saved.'



-5th saying of St. Anthony of Egypt

17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Corinthians 4:17 (New International Version)



10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, 11 if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:10-11 (New King James Version)

33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33 (New International Version)

I have no credibility to speak because I myself am a sinner, and yet I must speak that which is a groaning of my heart.....KEEP FIGHTING! Do Not Give Up! Do not believe the Lies! Do not fall prey to Delusion! If you fall...get back up. If you fall again....get back up. Yes, even if you fall again....get back up! You must...for your own salvation, and for those around you! Do not think yourself greater than you are, but accept yourself a sinner Loved by God, and keep struggling. Pick up your cross daily and follow! Do not think you are free from temptation, but humble yourself! Do not trust in your own wisdom, but lean on the scriptures, the mind of the Fathers, the very wisdom of God. DO NOT QUIT FIGHTING!!

Live radically in opposition to the world! Pray for discernment that we do not confuse the message of the world with the message of the Kingdom! Do it now....now is the time of salvation!

I say these things having failed myself so many times at what I am crying out for, but we must keep fighting...we can't give up...we must die to this world and reject it lies! We must love those around us so much that we choose this path, so that maybe...just maybe, they will see in us a little glimpse...a small spark...a small light that will open their eyes to the Kingdom of Heaven and give courage and hope.

Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy on me a sinner!

The Arena

Our Priest, Fr. Andrew, is very intentional about preparing us for the lenten season. What I may have at first perceived as a little strict, I can now see as essential, and what he is doing is for our salvation.

Among the specific things he encourages during the lenten season is to free some time in your day and pick a book on the spiritual life, or lent, by a Father of the Church.

I have picked, The Arena, by Bishop Ignatius Brianchaninov. Fr. Thomas Hopko made a statement in a talk in regards to this book saying, "The Bible, The Arena, and 38 sayings of St. Anthony of Egypt, that's all you need. (This is my recollection of his quote)" His premise was that these 3 "say it all".

Last night we had a great discussion in men's group about spiritual battle and being able to discern the reality of the battle and to fight, versus the ever tempting draw to escape reality...put back on the blinders and find a drug of choice to soothe the pain.

I was reading in the Arena this morning, and I thought this passage appropriate:

If you deny yourself and constantly renounce your own opinions, your own will, your own righteousness, or what amounts to the same thing, the knowledge, understanding, will and righteousness of fallen nature, in order to plant within you the knowledge of God, the will of God, and the righteousness of God taught us in the holy Gospel by God Himself, then fallen nature will open fire within you and declare a savage war against the Gospel and against God. Fallen spirits will come to the help of fallen nature.

Do not fall into despondency on this account. By your firmness in the struggle show the tenacity of your purpose and the stability of your free-will. When thrown down, get up. When duped and disarmed, re-arm yourself afresh. When defeated, again rush to the fight. It is extremely good for you to see within yourself both your own fall and the fall of the whole of mankind. It is essential for you to recognize and study this fall in your own experience, in your heart and mind. It is essential for you to see the infirmity of your knowledge and intellect, and the weakness of your will.

The vision of one's fall is a spiritual vision. The vision of one's infirmity and weakness is a spiritual vision. In this matter the spectator is the mind. The vision is obtained by grace, which is planted in us by baptism. By the action of grace the blindness of the mind is dispelled, and it begins to see clearly in the arena of its struggle what hitherto it has not seen through being outside this arena. It discovers the existence of what it did not even suspect.

Archimandrite Sophrony

I honestly cannot remember where I stumbled across this quote, however I do know Archimandrite Sophrony, is one of my Parish Priest's favorites. This is very hard stuff, but so crucial.

I know the hardness of heart from negative thoughts of others. Lord grant mercy that I might see your "beloved".

"Everything that you gain in your inner battles will be reflected in your life in God. Struggle against every passion which arouses in you critical thoughts about others. Do not accept what the enemy suggests to you against someone who is unjust towards you. Whether you are alone in your room or in company, every critical thought, every negative inner movement, create a crack in your spiritual fortress and in that of your community. No thought is born or passes without consequence. With good thoughts, you will be able to see in every person that you meet someone very beloved. With negative thoughts, on the contrary, your facial expression and your psychological energies will spoil your relationships and affect the environment around you. When grace is with us, we do not see the defects of others; we only see the sufferings and the love of our brethren."

Archimandrite Sophrony

Happy Birthday Carrie!!

To my wonderful wife of nearly 10 years, mother of our children, and my best friend.....Happy 32nd birthday!!

I Love You!

Life in Every Breath

When you find there’s nothing special,
about that big hole in your heart.
Cause everybody’s got one;
With precious little time to talk about it


Bill Mallonee – excerpt from Nothing like a Train

Every time I hear this song I can relate to this verse. Every time I hear this song I hate the fact that I can relate to this verse.

I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis’s, The Abolition of Man, these last couple weeks, and listening to some talks by Father Thomas Hopko dealing with the book and post-modern culture.

Lewis talks about the Tao in Man. Hopko calls this the “Image of God in Man”.

Both deal with the loss of that “something” that is core to our very being.

The ultimate end….Lewis says we become “Men without Chests”…..Hopko says, “we become nothing more than a calculator and a copulator.”

We become less than human. We deny the very image in ourselves, albeit slowly over time, through reductions, compromises, and agreements.

I've noticed as I moved beyond the honeymoon years of young adulthood that the chasm between the idealism and hope of youth get washed away in a series of calculations, investments, computations, scheduling, strategizing, positioning, retirement planning, healthcare planning, etc.

I at times accept this as "normal", which perhaps is the agreement.....this is "merely" this stage of life, and this is "merely" normal....

The "putting down roots" stage of life, as is perceived from culture, seems far from Paul's call of learning to be content in all situations and stages of life, RATHER an "acceptance" of this world's plan of salvation!

Invest wisely, plan for your future, get what you deserve - privilege, power, possessions, guarantee consumption power in your golden years.....guarantee copulation power in your golden years (thanks viagra).....guarantee health, promise freedom from pain, and live as long as you possibly can with the best medication and healthcare facilities in the world..............for what?

We reduce to being "merely" human, and in so doing deny the very essence of who we are.....

Perhaps this is the battle….to become TRULY human.

Culture calls to calculate, consume, copulate…..castrate...

I am struggling to know life in every breath….to find time to “talk about it”....to become human...Lord, Have Mercy!

My daughter stills knows life in every breath!!

"The Son of God became man, that we might become god."

- St. Athanasius